What a girl wants…the Bollywood edition

by Aishwarya Subramanian

Ah Bollywood. For decades now, it has entertained us, made us fall in love and created unrealistic expectations about the power of moonlight. The very fabric of Indian culture is now intertwined with Bollywood for better or for worse. And Bollywood most definitely has also confused millions of men (and women) for decades about love.

In a land where most of the directors, scriptwriters and producers are men with very few women in the playground (do Farah Khan movies really count?), Bollywood, has staunchly positioned itself as the sole voice for women in India. Except for those of us who have claims to being actual women on this planet, the Bollywood version of true love, feels a little off. Here’s why:

Boy eve teases girl after spotting her in a bus. Girl ignores him and sits with her friends

What Bollywood says: She is clearly very interested in you. She is completely affected by your masculinity. That’s why she is ignoring you.

What girl thinks: I like my friends. I shall sit with them and talk about Ryan Gosling’s baby news.

Boy stands behind girl. He calls out to girl. Girl turns around and looks at the boy. Then she walks away looking slightly puzzled.

Bollywood says: She LOVES you! She turned around dude. Obviously she would never ever turn around if she didn’t want to fall into your arms and marry you and have babies with you. You are set boss.

What girl thinks: Did someone yell at me? Who is this dude staring at me like that? Why is he grinning at me? Do I have something in my teeth? This is weird and creepy.

Boy now follows girl everywhere she goes. Girl tells the boy to back off. Boy smiles indulgently licking his lips.

Bollywood says: Girl is playing hard to get. She wants you to try harder. Follow her to her house. Stalk her parents now. You should also listen in on her calls. She is your future wife and she knows it.

What girl thinks: I should call the police right? What if this guy attacks me? I think it’s time to order pepper spray from that online store. I can get it on discount.

Boy grabs the girl and plants a kiss on her. Girl slaps him. Boy grins licking his lips.

Bollywood says: Nope! She didn’t mean to slap you. She liked being kissed. Now, she will sit by her balcony and dream about you and sing songs while basking in the moonlight. Oh and her voice will sound like Alka Yagnik or Shreya Ghoshal. And the song will be a poetic masterpiece. Something Javed Akhtar will write.

What girl thinks: I have been assaulted.

Boy yells at the girl for not responding to his advances. Girl looks stunned.

Bollywood says: Girl needs to be tamed. So, yell at her. Tell her off for being an independent woman. Slap her if you must. She has “over attitude”.

What girl thinks: This qualifies as persistent sexual harrassment right? Why did I leave my pepper spray in the other bag? I need to get away and call the police.

Boy- Girl have a nice conversation. Girl laughs at boy’s jokes. Girl tells boy that he is a good friend

Bollywood says: Nonsense. Men and women can never be friends. She loves you. If she doesn’t, then she clearly used you by being friendly with you. How dare she think of you only as a friend? If she spent time with you, then she needs to marry you and fuck you too.

What girl thinks: Ah. It is so refreshing to have a nice chat with a friend.

Girl holds a drink at a party. The boy tells her that drinking alcohol is wrong for women while holding a glass of clear whiskey. Girl stares.

Bollywood says: Damn straight! By drinking alcohol women invite the satan into their souls. Men can drink alcohol because they are cool (unless it’s the villain who drinks the alcohol….which means the next scene would be a rape scene because Bollywood is very original like that)

What girl thinks: Um…dude I just want my fricking drink. Can you return it already?

Boy asks girl about her dreams and goals in her career. Girl says she wants to work after she leaves college.

Bollywood says: The girl’s real dreams is to marry you. She doesn’t want a “high flying” career. She only wants to sit at home, raise your kids and do pooja with your mom. This is what she wants.

What girl thinks: Wait. I went to school for fourteen years. And then I went to a prestigious college. I studied hard. Graduated. And now I genuinely want to work. That really is my dream. Why do you think I secretly want to sit at home when I have already specifically told you otherwise?

Boy and girl eat icecream. Boy asks girl if she wants to have kids. Girl says that having kids is not really a priority for her in life. In fact, she doesn’t think she will ever want kids. She doesn’t like children.

Bollywood says: Ha! Bollywood would never have a heroine ever say something like that. Are you sure you are watching a Bollywood film? Is this girl a heroine or a secret villain out to strike the real heroine when she gets a chance?

What girl thinks: I don’t think I want to have kids. If you aren’t fine with that then we both need to find partners who want what we want and support us in our decisions. Also, are you sure this ever happened in a Bollywood film ever?

Girl breaks up with boy. Says she is going to marry someone else.

Bollywood says: She will never ever want to break up with someone like you. You followed her and stalked her and kissed her against her will. Obviously you love her the most. Now, go crash her wedding, pick her up and carry her away from her own marriage. Come on dude…trust us. We know women.
What girl thinks: I have been kidnapped. Dammit I left my pepper spray in the other bag again!

And finally….

Boy asks a girl out. She says no.

Bollywood says: She is being cute. With a woman, a no does not really mean no

What girl thinks: A no is a no. A capital N and a capital O.

 Aishhwariya Subramanian (that’s her legal name and it’s a long story), hates patriarchy and spends far too much time on the internet looking up Panda videos. She loves pop culture and cares about your views on unicorns. When she isn’t running away from all of life’s problems, she writes about issues through a feminist perspective. You can catch her fawning about Arsenal and Taylor Swift on her Twitter account: hyper_aice. 

 

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Mard ka Sar: Getting Man Head

When I watched Kuch Kuch Hota Hai as a young, impressionable cis-female tween, I learned several things:

1. Girls can love boys and have their hearts broken.

Kajol sad

2. Girls can love boys and not have their hearts broken.

Rani Happy

3. The right man will love you when you finally stuff yourself with femininity and other gender attributes.

As with Anjali:

   

And with Tina:

4. Thoughtlessly leaving people at the altar is the best way to show how in love you are.

5. Even if you are 100% doucheface man, if you get a woman to love you, you will be 100% fine and societally accepted. Karmic romantic redemption is not a necessity for men.

 

Doucheface Man

 

6. College is basically wearing colourful clothes and hanging out everywhere, watching 2-3 people live their lives.

(No picture necessary)

7. “Pyaar dosti hai”: Love is friendship

Pyaar Dosti Hai

8. “Ek mard ka sir sirf teen auraton ke saamne jhukta hai. Ek apni ma ke saamne, ek durga ma ke saamne aur…”: A man bows his head only in front of three women – in front of his own mother, in front of Goddess Durga

 

But also:

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, tum nahin samjhoge. 

 

Pictures with text from: http://perilsofbeing.tumblr.com/post/19027506016/bollywood-recap-kuch-kuch-hota-hai

Moving on from Gendered Entitlement?

I remember plonking down on the sofa one day to watch T.V., only to switch it off in disgust because the first movie I saw was titled ‘Manalane mangayin baagyam” (A husband is a woman’s blessing). Later, I came to know that the movie was about a princess who fights for the life of her husband against an ichaadari nagin (clichéd, I know but isn’t that the basic premise of most Indian movies?); but at what cost? A princess who is forced to leave the comforts of her palace and live in a thatched hut because she now “belongs” to her husband. I understand that the whole concept of marriage being “pious” and “saath janmon ka rishta” (a bond of seven lives) was well embedded in the society back then, but this is taking it a bit too far.

Literature was never short of strong feminist roles, and many such gems have been converted into masterpieces in this era, such as ‘Kannagi’  but, at the same time, movies that are considered to be classics do portray woman, who would be called strong willed and self sufficient today – as head strong and arrogant.

Then, we have the 80s and 90s where the predominant theme was ‘the sister’ who had to be avenged, because either she was raped or murdered. This theme has been repeatedly used, and I must agree, rather creatively, in super hits like ‘Panakaran’ (Tamil), ‘Sakalakala Vallavan’ (Tamil), the famous ‘Garv: Pride and Honour’ (Hindi), and even Bollywood cult-classic ‘Gunda’. This was also the time, where the portrayal of woman as the property of men was rampant. “tu meri hai”( you’re mine) is a common term you can find in many songs. One such example is the ever famous song from Darr that goes along the lines of “tu haan kar, ya naa kar, tu hai meri Kiran” (you may say yes or no, but you’re still mine, Kiran). I agree, these were the pangs of a psychopath; but throw in anything with a catchy tune and the song is a guaranteed hit.

Another recurring theme in this era can be seen in movies like ‘Taal’,  where a girl pines for her ‘loved one’ even after he has dropped her like a hot potato, and in the end gets married to him and such movies are deemed to be classics. One movie that took it too far was ‘Pukar’, the premise of which was, if you thwart a girl’s advances, she wouldn’t mind endangering the safety of an entire nation. Whoa, where did you come up with that? Kudos to you!

On to movies that are of relevance today, you have amazing movies with a strong willed woman playing a pivotal role such as, ‘Mozhi’, ‘36 Viyathinile’, ‘Neerja’ and ‘Mary Kom’ to name a few. But at these same times, there are movies such as ‘Ki and Kaa’, which mastered the art of portraying feminism incorrectly, and in bad light. But, even today, there is any Salman Khan movie, where the job of the heroine to dress up like a doll, and play the quintessential damsel in distress, who “Bhai” saves.

During an era in which we are exploring severely undiscussed themes like homosexuality, there are brilliant films like ‘Aligarh’ and ‘Margarita with a straw’ or even an average family entertainer like ‘Kapoor and Sons’, that dealt with the topic with so much ease, we definitely have come a long way from where we started, but we still have a long way to go.

With inputs from Varun Tandon, a fellow movie buff.

 

Ki and Ka: Missus and Mister, misses the point

by Uma Kaushik

In the 21st century, Director Balki, in the insufferable ‘Ki & Ka’, (how can you take a movie with a title like that seriously??!!) redefines the Indian Wife:

“She who sits at home, while her husband goes out to work, she who sweeps, mops and dusts, she who cooks and cleans, she who sticks out her hands and asks for money from the earning spouse, she who has no ambition or drive …
She is the Adarsh Biwi!”

So we meet Ki, (Kareena Kapoor, gorgeous, but trying too hard!) ambitious career woman. (please note that if you are a working girl, Director Balki believes that you can’t cook or keep a clean home – remember, only devoted housewives can do such stuff?!)

Enter Arjun Kapoor, IIM-B topper (because it’s very important for us to know that he is doing nothing with his life, despite being, ahem, a ‘topper’, out of choice!), flabby and cutely unfit (because Bollywood only expect its heroines to be unreasonably fit & fab – what double standards!) whose only ambition in life, is to be a housewife, like his mother!

What is left unanswered is, what the hell the dude, the son of one of the richest men in Delhi, has been doing till then??!!

After some ridiculous scenes, including Kabir’s Dad, asking his son to check inside his underwear, to confirm that he is a man, Ki & Ka (cringe, cringe!) get married.

The optimist in me hoped that now we could settle down to watch a decent, sensitive portrayal, of a stay-at-home-husband, who looks after the home front, while his capable spouse, earns their living.

But instead, this is when I had to remind myself that this was a phamily platform & that I could not cuss & use foul language …

Ki puts the mangalsutra around Ka’s neck, because the non-earning, dependent partner, becomes the wife, who wears the mangalsutra (our stud wears it bracelet ishtyle, on his wrist!) & he/she, who sports the mangalsutra, dons the kitchen apron …

So Ka begins his morning, sweeping the house, cleaning the living room, making coffee, churning out gourmet breakfasts & dinners, goes grocery shopping, attends kitty parties (because he is a ‘wife’ and apparently wives don’t have friends of their own!) & sticks out his hands to demand money for running the house!

Half-way through the movie, the realization dawns on me, that I am not a good wife. The only broom I would ever hold, is when my wish to become a witch is finally granted & I fly away on it!

I think gratefully of my ‘Ka’, who before starting a long day at work, gently closes the door, to allow me to sleep a little longer, puts on the kettle, gets coffee ready & sometimes, even loads the dishwasher, before quietly leaving for work. I hope Balki is not reading this, because he will have a heart attack!!!

The movie, through the kitty party circuit and ladies in apartments, make housewives look fat, frumpy & irrelevant!

Talk of lost opportunities. What could have been an uplifting story of changing roles and blurring those rigid lines, of the husband being the bread winner & the wife being the home maker, gets reduced to a parody, where the man, to assume responsibility of the house, while his wife goes to work, has to wear a mangalsutra, touch his mother-in-law’s feet, sweep & dust and hang out with only females!

My recommendation? Save yourself some money & time & avoid ‘K & K’. Instead, treat yourself to an outing with your spouse/partner/friend, because my dear friends, most of us are leading lives, with far more interesting stories & way more Kickass & Kooler ( ‘Ki & Ko’!!!) than ‘Ki & Ka’!

 

Uma Kaushik writes of movies and culture, smells of life and laughter.